For all the people and feeling beings of the world, who by grieving the loss of what they love, make more life with the beauty of its expression
-- Martín Prechtel, The Smell of Rain on Dust
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Eric,
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I’m sorry for suggesting previously that my wish to be dead is your fault, or Eric’s, or any one’s. It’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just what is. Like Uncle Bruce would say. It is what is is.
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I don’t remember exactly when the wish first came upon me, to be dead. I know it came on extremely hard during the miscarriage in 2018. We were on Maui. It was around the time of my birthday. We were supposed to do a whale watch.
All I could think about was how terrible it was, what was happening to the Earth. How strange its was to be part of a tribe that could wreak so much destruction to our own habitat and other life forms. How completely unacceptable it is to me, what we humans are doing to the rest of life on Earth, especially forest ecosystems.
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I do know that the death wishes started to become regular in 2020. Constant, basically. within a few months of being separated, again. I left Los Angeles in 2020 after being repeatedly ambushed and humiliated and mistreated by Chris (because as you would say "Chris is a bully." Because as Chris would say, "I just don't like you."). Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. Too much terror. Too many panic attacks and meltdowns. I went back to Maui to get away from it. Eric and I separated again. And the death wishes started up regularly.
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At that point, as you know, I slept with a bunch of people. That entire time, we were on again, off again, and during the off periods, I saw other people. These experiences were clarifying that I wanted only you. Reminder: you did the same during this period, only sleeping with fewer people.
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I couldn’t handle the repeated violations of your vows though. Your repeated abandonment when you promised to be by my side. You kept on not being by my side. It was too destabilizing. I couldn’t handle it. It’s not that I tried to even it out by sleeping with others. I don’t know why I did it. But I don’t think it would be unreasonable to believe I did it to feel less abandoned and afraid. To feel better about myself. When Chris and Anne specifically did not invite me to Anne’s 40th birthday, and you went, despite me asking you to not leave my side, your vows, despite informing you that I wouldn’t survive it, you did it any way. I comforted myself by seeking company with others; not so different than what you claim you were doing by traveling to Texas for Anne’s birthday party. You said you would be my my side. You promised. When you broke your vows to me, I broke mine to you.
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And here we are, still continuing down this path. When will it end? When will we find our way back to the story worth telling? Will it ever happen? Or is this not only not the story worth telling; it’s also a story of failure and rejection and hate and loss and guilt and shame and pain? And death? Are we both abject failures at living the story worth telling? Is our story really just a story of broken vows and lives prematurely ended?
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By the way, it’s a really big deal that those wedding vows were found. Since we have been married, they have been lost. And the video that Jeff took of us saying our vows is also lost. So it’s really special to have found these vows, especially on Christmas. Our vows were to live the story worth telling.
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I am not sure if the death wish came upon me when your mother and, in your estimation, per your vows, one of the most loving women in the world, told me she just didn’t think you and I were good together. I know for certain the death wish came upon me hard when she explicitly called you, her son, to tell you I was under no circumstances welcome at KCs wedding. And then you went anyway. So much for vowing to stay by my side.
The death wish definitely came on hard when just last week, Lillian screamed at me that she never liked me and never understood why you would want to be with me, why? Why? Why? She asked, when you proposed, she screamed at me.
The death wish came knocking when I confided in Kelly that I had been raped as a virgin and I hadn’t told Eric (or anyone), and she yelled at me and stormed out and told Eric what I had said. Remember that, Kelly?
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I don’t know that the death with came on, but confusion and a great deal of anxiety came on when Chava, the 110 lb pitbull, belly crawled across the living room floor in Salinas on Christmas morning 7 years ago and bit my leg, and then Chris and Anne blamed me for “provoking him”. Only for Chava to attack Rosemary, and put her in the hospital a few weeks later, for… what was it? A couple of weeks? And then for them to keep a dangerous dog for many months with their baby at risk of being taken by CPS. And then for Chris and Anne to attack ME the next time we were together for being a threat to their children. And then for you again, to not be by my side.
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That kind of psychological abuse and gaslighting most certainly made me want to kill myself. Though at the time, the words I used were “I do not feel comfortable here”. And I have been viciously attacked about that, for years. That I “exploded in rage” (said Tisha). The words I exploded in were not nearly as violent or vile as the words you hurl at me now. “I do not feel comfortable here”. (I have this recording, by the way.) About me not being safe around their children when their Mexican fighting pitbull attacked everyone in the family (Except you, you will say), including me, on Christmas morning. And then put their baby in the hospital, and then they made a story about how I was unsafe around their children. I’m pretty sure that’s psychological abuse. I’m pretty sure that’s a violation of your vows to be by my side. Either way, it brought about the death wish in a big way.
The constant reminder of our lost babies, all the named miscarriages... the naming of the Rice dog after our first miscarriage. All moments I’ve wished to be free of this incarnation. All the mistakes. All the rejection. All the loss. All the hate. It’s all just been too fucky. I can’t live in a state of constant lack of integrity, which is what not upholding the story worth telling is for me is for us to be together. Clearly it’s turned me insane. And brought me to a point of feeling life is not worth living.
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At this point, all I have asked of you is communication. And in response, you have blocked me. And have instructed everyone else to stonewall me too. At this point, all I have asked of you is to be available to speak. And to recognize that I still depend on you and my vows spelled this out very clearly. And whether we are married in the eyes of the law, we made promises to each other. Forever promises.These are some reasons why I am suicidal.
Even since our divorce in August of 2022, we remained together until July of this year. That’s when you took up with someone else through an algorithm, and now here we are today, with me circling the drain on Christmas in stony silence from you and everyone in your closest circle. That sure doesn’t strike me as the story worth telling.
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I want you to know I understand your meanness and alienation. I totally get it. I totally understand. I guarantee you I hate myself even more than any of you hate me. You’re forgiven completely. Thanks for this gift. I’m grateful to you for it. I don’t know what to do for this to be different, but it’s apparent you all feel it is my fault and this is what I deserve, so I apologize for the way it is. And I want you to know I accept the way it is and am just really, really sad and sorry it is this way.
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Love and peace and blessings,
Tia
Thanks, V. I'm sorry again for sharing such a dreadful update.
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Sorry
I had a big cry about it tonight with my friend, Andra. Andra’s sister Alyse has been my best friend since we were in second grade. Andra is a maternal psychiatrist now, and recently moved back to Maui. I didn’t know until just a couple of days ago, but after she had her first child, Andra became suicidal. I didn’t know Andra was suicidal once because Andra didn’t go around telling everyone in the world like I have. I have so much shame and guilt about my actions, including talking about being suicidal, as you know, way too much. So again, I am sorry for telling you. (I have told others though! And I don’t know who else I will tell!) I am both sorry and I keep doing it… sick. There might be no such thing as good and bad, but attempted suicide and telling about it is sick! And in this sense, relatively quite bad! And I’m sorry.
Nightmare
I have so much shame and guilt and often feeling I am doing self destruction and / or something wrong or terrible, with very little control over my own actions. I have such very dark terrible thoughts sometimes that overpower me. Like today. My friend Alyse and her boy, Woods, who is five, came over to help me clear some banana trees on my property. Again, Woods is only five. But for some reason, I allowed him to use a very rusty saw to cut the banana trees. He is coordinated and smart, but also very rambunctious. And 5! And I let him use a huge rusty saw to cut up the banana trees. Without eyes on him all the time. With no PPE. No shoes. No gloves, no glasses, nothing. And it was fine, he was fine. But then tonight, when I got home to my parents, I had a terrible spiral of thoughts that came with all of these horrible visual images of Woods hurting himself with the saw. It was a horrible, horrible panic attack about how dumb I am for letting a 5 year old use a very rusty large saw.
Karma
He’s ok.. he’s fine…. But the nightmare came anyway. And I am literally having visions of terrible things that could have happened to Woods with that saw. And then I think I must be retarded to do things like let a five year old use a saw, and my karma for being retarded and /or my stupid decisions (stupid decisions of which are literally constant, Woods with the saw is just one example, which is why I say retarded), my karma for being so stupid is I have these horrible nightmares about horrible things that could go wrong.
Dead Babies
That, and, sometimes horrible things actually happen, they’re not just nightmares. Like Kiko dying. Remember when we were on the phone that time and I panicked about him? Because he wasn’t moving? That has happened to me many times. Because he got so, so close to death when he was 1. And then my worst nightmare about him dying came true. My worst nightmare that I have had so many panic attacks about but have always managed to channel my panic into keeping him alive… failed. He’s dead. Him and all my babies are dead. It’s traumatic. I think my karma for this is that I don’t have children. I have had so many miscarriages, probably because the baby spirits know I am retareded and can’t be responsible for another living being and leave my body. The last miscarriage I had was when I was at Green Gulch. It’s probably a good thing too. All of my pets are dead. Not only that. All my pets that I have had since 2020 are dead. All of my babies under 4 years old are dead. Both of my dogs. All of my chickens. So many miscarriages. I am not a suitable guardian.
Sorry Again
Anyway, I am sorry I told you about the suicide attempts because I know that this kind of horrible poisonous thinking is potentially contagious for others to know about, and I still do it: I still tell others about my thinking and suicidal actions. You and many others. And I really care about you! And I still share with you all of this darkness and negativity. I’m sorry. It’s another example of what I see as counterproductive and self destructive and harmful behavior that I hate myself for. feeling this way (that my actions are bad) and acting this way (still doing the actions) inflames the pain. It’s a very negative positive feedback loop, in the sense that positive feedback loops, as I understand, are compounding. I think it’s so revealing that Andra, who I admire so very much, who is kind of my hero and also I am certain a genius and like Pema Chodron but a psychiatrist and amazingly also my friend… I think it’s so revealing that Andra only just for the first time a couple of days ago told me about being suicidal after having Maya 12 years ago. That sends a message to me: it’s not ideal to go around telling people about your suicide attempts. It’s possibly the opposite of ideal. If it’s not “bad” because there is no good or bad, it is most certainly sick. What a nightmare. I’m sorry I am such a nightmare, Valerian. I’m sorry for sharing this terrible news with you, and all of this negativity.
Plan
I have been thinking a lot about my next suicide attempt. I made a plan. The plan is to get fentanyl. I have never taken fentanyl before, and I don’t know much about it, except that it’s a drug that people take to feel good and a lot of people seems to die from it by accidental overdose, so it seems like in the way of suicide, it seems like a great way to go. However, I haven’t gotten the fentanyl yet, and I am also in the process of getting into a residential treatment place for my suicidal thinking, where I will not have the ability to get it. The place is in Colorado… back again. Alyse is going to come with me and help me get set up there. We’re going Monday. I’m so, so so infinitely grateful to her that she is going to help me get there. And that her and Woods are helping me get ready to go by clearing my banana trees on his Winter Break.
Gratitude and Glimmers of Hope
The gratitude feels good, and the hopeful notion that a treatment place might be able to help me (which I am not actually very hopeful about, but I am willing to try). Here’s another hopeful notion: last night I had a dream that I was in a house with these two people, I don’t know who, I think they were older and a couple. Anyway, in the dream, they offered me fentanyl. And I didn’t take it. In my dream I didn’t take the fentanyl, and I didn’t die. So I know there’s a part of myself that doesn’t want to do that.
Everything is Perfect
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It’s just…. My karma is feeling insurmountable right now. I have so much suicide all the way up my family tree on my dad’s side. And so much addiction on both my mom's and dad’s sides. In the way of karmic expressions, I’m like… the ultimate embodiment of addiction and suicide. I am trying to remind myself that even that is ok. Even that is perfect. It’s ok if I was born into this world as the ultimate expression of addiction and suicide. I’m trying to remind myself that even if I don’t work through the karmic programming of self harm and self destruction… even if the suicide sickness gets me… even if the self harm sickness gets me… even that is perfect. Because I still believe this is a good time for people to be more like Prince Satva and give themselves to the lions. And if I believe that, I should also be willing to volunteer myself to go. So in this way, I feel there is a sense of perfection and also peace in the possibility of being annihilated by my sickness.
Enough is Enough
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I like to write to you, you know? And I don’t have any expectations from you. I am cared for and loved enough. You don’t have to feel responsible for me. You don’t have to hurry to respond, or respond at all. That’s not why I’m emailing. It’s not to ask for anything. I have asked for a lot from you over the while we have known each other. I’m not asking for anything now. I have enough… just enough. That’s another thing Andra and I talked about recently that I really appreciate. She told me about her notions of ‘enough is enough’. Enough doesn’t have to be all the everything. Enough can just be enough. Like the rolling stones song. You can’t always get what you want… but if you try, you just might find, sometimes, you get what you need. I think that’s what Andra said about ‘enough is enough’. And some other things. It’s one of her mantras, and I like it a lot. So anyway, all of this about Enough is Enough is to say I don’t need anything from you, even when I write you these crazy long emails about crazy things! I actually just meant to write you to say I am sorry for the over disclosure about the suicide attempts, and now here I am telling you more about everything. And in this moment I will forgive myself for this, and I hope you forgive me too, and I ask for your forgiveness, and I thank you for your friendship.
Love you, V.
Tiare
PS I have more thoughts about love, and the love email I sent. I don’t think it’s bodhicitta I feel about you because it’s not reciprocated; you don’t feel the same way. So i don’t think it’s bodhicitta. It’s not like it was with Pete. That was bodhicitta. That’s when the world shimmered in a way I have never seen. That is why I got so messed up about it: because I was really, really bodhicitta in love with Pete, but also in regular love with Eric, and it was bodhicitta love with Pete before the line was crossed, but once the line was crossed with Pete, then it was just cheating. I have never been able to recover. I’m a sad soul. Sorry. The saddest thing is that it took me so long to trust Eric is my person, and now I know this to be true, and he has left me, and if he doesn't come back to me, I will be alone for the rest of my days. And that makes me angry and clingy and demanding of him when I don't want to be.
Pps here’s a poem I first heard in 2017 that I think about sometimes, fairly often. If only I could heed it: The moment your eyes are open, seize the day. Would you hold back when the Beloved beckons? Would you deliver your litany of sins like a child’s collection of sea shells, prized and labeled? “No, I can’t step across the threshold,” you say, eyes downcast. “I’m not worthy, I’m afraid, and my motives aren’t pure. I’m not perfect, and surely I haven’t practised nearly enough. My meditation isn’t deep, and my prayers are sometimes insincere. I still chew my fingernails, and the refrigerator isn’t clean.” Do you value your reasons for staying small more than the light shining through the open door? Forgive yourself. Now is the only time you have to be whole. Now is the sole moment that exists to live in the light of your true Self. Perfection is not a prerequisite for anything but pain. Please, oh please, don’t continue to believe in your disbelief. This is the day of your awakening. by Danna Faulds
Here are my wishes and dreams and intentions in 2024: May all beings be whole and harmonious within and with each other. May 2024 be a year that I create wholesomeness and harmoniousness within myself and with all beings.
Thanks, V. I am sorry I told you. I had a big cry about it tonight with my friend, Andra. Andra’s sister Alyse has been my best friend since we were in second grade. Andra is a maternal psychiatrist now, and recently moved back to Maui. I didn’t know until just a couple of days ago, but after she had her first child, Andra became suicidal. Sorry I didn’t know because Andra didn’t go around telling everyone in the world like I have. I have so much shame and guilt about my actions, including talking about being suicidal, as you know, way too much. So again, I am sorry for telling you. I have told others though! And I don’t know who else I will tell! I am so sorry and I keep doing it. Trying to end my life and then talking to others about it. Isn’t that… not ok?? Isn’t that bad? No such thing as good and bad but attempted suicide and telling about it is bad! Not good! And I’m sorry. Nightmare, panic, terror I have so much shame and guilt and often feeling I am doing self destruction and / or something wrong or terrible, with very little control over my own actions. I have such very dark terrible thoughts sometimes that overpower me. Like today. My friend Alyse and her boy, Woods, who is five, came over to help me clear some banana trees on my property. Again, Woods is only five. But for some reason, I allowed him to use a very rusty saw to cut the banana trees. He is coordinated and smart, but also very rambunctious. And 5! And I let him use a huge rusty saw to cut up the banana trees. Without eyes on him all the time. With no PPE. No shoes. No gloves, no glasses, nothing. And it was fine, he was fine. But then tonight, when I got home to my parents, I had a terrible spiral of thoughts that came with all of these horrible visual images of Woods hurting himself with the saw. It was a horrible, horrible panic attack about how dumb I am for letting a 5 year old use a very rusty large saw. Karma He’s ok.. he’s fine…. But the nightmare came anyway. And I am literally having visions of terrible things that could have happened to Woods with that saw. And then I think I must be retarded to do things like let a five year old use a saw, and my karma for being retarded and /or my stupid decisions (stupid decisions of which are literally constant, Woods with the saw is just one example, which is why I say retarded), my karma for being so stupid is I have these horrible nightmares about horrible things that could go wrong. Dead babies That, and, sometimes horrible things actually happen, not just the nightmares. Like Kiko dying. Remember when we were on the phone that time and I panicked about him? Because he wasn’t moving? That has happened to me many times. Because he got so, so close to death when he was 1 and got neutered. And then my worst nightmare about him dying has happened. My worst nightmare that I have had so many panic attacks about but have always managed to channel my panic into keeping him alive… failed. He’s dead. All my babies are dead. It’s traumatic. I think my karma for this is that I don’t have children. I have had so many miscarriages, probably because the baby spirits know I am sick and not capable of hosting another living being in my body. The last one I had was when I was at Green Gulch. It’s probably a good thing too. All of my pets are dead. Not only that. All my pets that I have had since 2020 are dead. All of my babies under 4 years old are dead. Both of my dogs. All of my chickens. So many miscarriages. I am not a suitable guardian. Sorry Anyway, I am sorry I told you about the suicide attempts because I know that this kind of horrible poisonous thinking is potentially contagious for others to know about, and I still do it: I still tell others about my thinking and suicidal actions. It’s another example of what I see as counterproductive and self destructive and harmful behavior that I hate myself for, and feeling this way and acting this way feeds the self destructive impulses. And not only telling others about it but not not blaming others for it. And that’s not kind. That’s not consistent with the Lojong teaching to DRIVE ALL BLAMES INTO ONE. But also blaming myself too aggressively is creative a harmful positive feedback loop. The thought I am bad is causing me to do harmful and destructive things to self and others. The message is I am bad, I am dangerous. And then bad and dangerous things happen to either myself or others around me. Like kiko dying or having a panic spiral about a horrible. Nightmare thing that DIDNT happen. I think it’s so revealing that Andra, who I admire so very much, who is kind of my hero and also I am certain a genius and like Pema Chodron but a psychiatrist and amazingly also my friend… I think it’s so revealing that Andra only just for the first time a couple of days ago told me about being suicidal after having Maya 12 years ago. That sends a message to me: it’s not ideal to go around telling people about your suicide attempts. It’s possibly the opposite of ideal. What a nightmare. I’m sorry I am such a nightmare, Valerian. I’m sorry for sharing this terrible news with you. Plan I have been thinking a lot about my next suicide attempt. I made a plan. The plan is to get fentanyl. I have never taken fentanyl before, and I don’t know much about it, except that it’s a drug that people take to feel good and a lot of people seems to die from it by accidental overdose, so it seems like in the way of suicide, it seems like a great way to go. Gratitude and Glimmers of Hope However, I haven’t gotten the fentanyl yet, and I am also in the process of getting into a residential treatment place for my suicidal thinking, where I will not have the ability to get it. The place is in Colorado… back again. Alyse is going to come with me and help me get set up there. We’re going Monday. I’m so, so so infinitely grateful to her that she is going to help me get there. And that her and Woods are helping me get ready to go by clearing my banana trees on his Winter Break. The gratitude feels good, and the hopeful notion that a treatment place might be able to help me (which I am not actually very hopeful about, but I am willing to try). Here’s another hopeful notion: last night I had a dream that I was in a house with these two people, I don’t know who, I think they were older and a couple. Anyway, in the dream, they offered me fentanyl. And I didn’t take it. In my dream I didn’t take the fentanyl, and I didn’t die. So I know there’s a part of myself that doesn’t want to do that. It’s just…. My karma is feeling insurmountable right now. I have suicide up my family tree on my dad’s side. And addiction on both my mom's and dad’s sides. In the way of karmic expressions, I’m like… anea generational embodiment of addiction and suicide. Everything is Perfect I am trying to remind myself that even that is ok. Even that is perfect. It’s ok if I was born into this world as the ultimate expression of addiction and suicide and harm and evil, I’m trying to remind myself that even if I don’t work through the karmic programming of self harm and self destruction… even that is non-escape is perfect. Because I still believe this is a good time for people to be more like Prince Satva and give themselves to the lions. And if I believe that, I should also be willing to volunteer myself to go. But also, I think I am regaining my ability to feel, believe, that there is ultimately greater power and expression in going on living? That was another thing Andra helped to remind me. I really hope I recorded the conversation so I can go back and listen. Enough is Enough I like to write to you, you know? And I don’t have any expectations from you. I am cared for and loved enough. That’s another thing Andra and I talked about recently that I really appreciate. She told me about her notions of ‘enough is enough’. Enough doesn’t have to be all the everything. Enough can just be enough. Like the rolling stones song. You can’t always get what you want… but if you try, you just might find, sometimes, you get what you need. I think that’s what Andra said about ‘enough is enough’. And some other things. It’s one of her mantras, and I like it a lot. So anyway, all of this about Enough is Enough is to say I don’t need anything from you, even when I write you these crazy long emails about crazy things! And enough is enough as in you can’t always get what you want but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need. I think that’s the right line. I actually just meant to write you to say I am sorry for the over disclosure about the suicide attempts, and now here I am telling you more about everything. And in this moment I will forgive myself for this, and I hope you forgive me too, and I ask for your forgiveness, and I thank you for your friendship. Love you, V. Tiare PS I have more thoughts about love, and the love email I sent. I don’t think it’s bodhicitta I feel about you because it’s not reciprocated. It’s not like it was with Pete. That was bodhicitta. That’s when the world shimmered in a way I have never seen. That is why I got so messed up about it: because I was really, really bodhicitta in love with Pete, but also in love with Eric, and it was great before the line was crossed, but once the line was crossed with Pete, I have never been able to recover. Another trauma… Another trauma that is not even on my trauma list, which is quite a long list. Sorry. When the heart breaks bad, it can be as bad as can be. Pps- here’s a spiritual question: what about vows and sin? Is sin bad? Isn’t sin bad? Aren’t things bad in a relatively strong way? Like killing: bad? I feel like killing is very bad. And kiko killed a lot of things. And me, as the responsible party, basically allowed him to do it. I couldn’t control him. So I am bad because I by proxy to kiko killing things, killed things.
